Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
