So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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