I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
