I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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