My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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