you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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