he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hippo gnu deer
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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