I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
