Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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