I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
