Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
