and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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