I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
