i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
