I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
