I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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