I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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