I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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