I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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