On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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