Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
