Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
How naked do you want me to be?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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