i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Randomize
