Too much gin, very little bucket
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
