I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
