I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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