Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
