Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
