I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
