i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
