He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
