What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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