I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I love having hate sex.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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