sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
