My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
