So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
All the doctor said was why
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
