You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
