She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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