What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
