names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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