I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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