On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
