I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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