I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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