I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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