Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So apparently I’m into choking now
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
