I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
