I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
