I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
