Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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